Today was potentially my last day as an undergraduate.

I'm  happy about this of course... I'm also a little worried... I don't know what I'm going to do next year. My degree doesn't lend itself to the occupation that I'd like... So I'll have to keep going... The trouble is that I don't know how long for... It could be another 6 months, it could be another 2 years...AAARGH!

I'm beyond exhausted...
Had an essay due today. Decided to check it last night, ended up staying awake until 0530 re-doing the entire thing. WHY WHY WHY. Then had to work until midnight tonight. Absolutely exhausted, but can't sleep!

A woman I work with died on the weekend. I only found out this afternoon. Noone knows how she died.

Holidays!

Thank goodness. Only one week, but so good not to have to go to uni or work. (Although I will prbably spend most of the week at uni anyway, considering that I have two major assignments due in the week after the break).

I'm feeling pretty good to be honest (that may change when the stress of things to do sets in).

Still getting used to this. Haven't quite figured out how things work, what people see.

Things are pretty good... This week hasn't been too bad... Getting good marks back on my assignments so far, which is a relief.


Is it just me, or does this feel like awkward chit chat?


Ergh.

I miss writing poetry. I've been saying that for a long time, but I'd like to get back into it. It was a great way to be creative, to think deeper than face level about things, to get things out, live vicariously through my thoughts. Photography too, I think I should make more time in my life for these creative pursuits.

Still awkward.


I guess I'm hung up on the fear that I will admit my deepest, darkest, truest feelings... and that someone will know who I am :S


Ok, time for something a bit more real.

I would really like to buy my own place. I can't afford it right now, not while studying and working part time. It irritates me that I'm paying someone else's mortgage. I'm also terrified of the thought though! Having to be responsible, tied down... I long for a place that is mine. I really really want a backyard! That is one thing I miss dreadfully since moving out (which is kind of funny because I never really spent too much time in the backyard when I was living at home). I miss the trees, and grass, and space. The smells. Here everything is dusty all the time, living close to the city. I can hear the train, and trucks... sometimes birds (which is nice). 
But, if I lie in the spare room, upside down looking through the window, all I can see is sky and the leaves of the tree outside... It's almost like I'm home.

So, this is my first entry.

It feels strange and kind of stupid to be writing like this. Part of me is also... worried... I suppose, that this isn't truly anonymous.


Why am I here? For catharsis I suppose... to get things out. To feel like I am not alone.


Why did I begin here? To be honest, it was because I saw an old friend of mine had a LiveJournal. We were good friends once, not so much anymore... I read her LJ. She seems so happy, she has s omuch going on in her life... And I am so jealous. I'm glad she's happy, of course, but I hate it at the same time. I hate that everyone seems to be happy except me.


I know I feel this way because of my own thoughts. I am my own worst enemy. I sabotage myself. I hate myself. I am mean to myself. And I don't know why.


I have more reasons than most people to be happy. I have a wonderful boyfriend, a close family, a job that pays well, I am intelligent, reasonably attractive, I am well, I live in a comfortable unit... But despite all these reasons why I should be happy, I am not.


I am not happy. And I don't know why.